Words carry energy: Psychosis unmasked

When fear falls away and love is called to centre I wonder how do you feel about your labels?

And do you feel them in your body?

The energy of the words you carry….

Sectioned under the mental health act: second round

This time I can’t help but look at myself

Something clearly isn’t right

Am I actually mental?

Called in to see the doctors on round, it wasn’t advertised I wasn’t told so I feel a little on the back foot. I’ve been feeling a lot like this these days

Kind of like not really in control of my life

Like take the other night I felt petrified I might die. Just wanted to get out the house and go to the Earth; I knew there I’d be okay. Safe and held by the Great Mother it felt the only place to be seen naked and real. Covered in ash.

Amongst so many masks and so many fakes ash feels like life

So I find myself here again. I say here but it is a different place and I am in a different place. Less fear. The Priory is so much nicer than the Becklin. They make you toast in the evening and the food is delicious. Hot chocolate is also served in the cafeteria which feels more like home. People on their phone, guitars and singing. Music, crystals being gifted. Ladies eating maltesers and having their nails painted. A bath I can have whenever I like which doesn’t sound like a hospital bath in that you turn the tap on and it keeps filling.

The door is also open so I can go outside whenever I want to. This is so important when you have been incarcerated in the system your whole life and by that I mean:

life a way you don’t want to

The doctor looks at me; 4 of them in that meeting and me. What are they thinking? Are they going to give the game away or are they going to release me? Let me go to be free

“I think you have misdiagnosed bipolar and mania”

ahhhh I see. Misdiagnosed from psychosis you mean?

Are you referring to the child hood trauma?

The sense of rape in my body?

The fact I’ve lost 3 babies; 1 I thought that was coming

Or is it the part where I’ve felt lonely my whole life? Searching for something to fulfil me; someone who understands me? Do you think it might be that…?

“So we recommend medication for 2 years”

2 years? Are you having a laugh. I want to have a baby, want to get on with my life. I need my vessel to be pure. Why are you contaminating me with this poison? Plastering a sticking plaster over the bits I’ve felt frozen

Threatening to out me when I already feel discarded from my body

Maybe you could hold me? Offer me compassion? Perhaps we can talk about therapy because the truth is I’m a healer. And this doesn’t feel good for me

This feels like death

It feels like a further attempt to self sabotage a really important aspect of my life. I call it my Truth

I feel you hear threatening my truth. How do I know because my heart tells me. I just felt her sink

I felt her sing a little a minute ago when I let these words release

Do you feel you can see me outside of the bureaucracy. Do you feel we can talk labels rather than insanity?

Do you feel we can talk ransom; like really what is it that you are threatened here with? Like I actually might be able to heal myself with a process I call love

Sure I was wild when I was detained here. I was high on a bloodstream that I call life; so ready to live

I guess it might seem strange that I escaped, threw my clothes out of the bag and just ran

But do you know what, if it is towards life, then for my life I will run

The problem is I don’t feel you value life

I feel you actually asking me “do you want to survive” and within that lies the fear that I might die

….

Instead I’m going to invite a few friends to come round. We’ll talk crap, eat food, nice drinks and I’ll let them in on my life and then I feel we might be moving more towards something that I can call life

I’ll tell my husband I’m not sure where we are any more and it is causing me a lot of doubt in my life and that if I’m honest I’d really like to move out

I’ll tell my mum I need holding and my dad I’d like him to come because all I really want is to cuddle up on the sofa with him like I did when I was a kid and smell his jumper; navy and manly

I’d like someone to help me with finances. It’s been really really difficult

I’d like someone to gift me love every day but really what I mean is a hug. An “I see you moment” not as broken but as equal. Not as shame lined eyes but glistening twinkling “there she is that’s my life ” eyes open;

And maybe from there we can go there together to the depths of obsession; to the places I’m broken

Look them deep in the eye and say please don’t call me a label

Please don’t be frightened

Look me deep in the eye and call me an opportunity to heal

Call me a place in my life that love hasn’t reached yet

Call me an opening a vacuum a vortex of love yes

Show me the truth in your eyes

Behind obsession lies kind

Integration ; happy life

I’d simply like that

I feel a huge part of my life here to share stories around labels and ultimately to oust them

I have no idea how. This feels like a beginning of a start. We do this in my work. Simply share our sweet hearts speaking with love

In a world that values not heart speak but rather gut wrench I’ve pulled a few punches and kicked a few police officers. I’ve also stolen nuts from M&S which weren’t gifted despite us being hungry, bare foot and frozen.

Exhaustion depletes every part of the body including the brain

In this space and time (it doesn’t come to me often with fire) I urge you:

Take your clothes off, peel off the mask, go to the depths of your nudity all you see is fake around you and tell me what is REAL

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU LOVE?

When fear falls away and love is called to centre I wonder how do you feel about your labels?

And do you feel them in your body?

The energy of the words you carry….